10.08.2022: Induction to my world

How should I start this? I have started to share my story on my website/blog for a few months now, a mix between my fight against a heavy drug addiction, my weight loss, my thoughts about life but there is something I didn’t write much about; my newly diagnosed bipolarity. Even if it has been recently made official, it’s been probably a decade that some people around me were telling me that I had all of the signs and that I should be…checked. Probably two decades now that I had a weird feeling I didn’t act like most people. Feeling overwhelmed by my emotions, taking some crazy decisions when feeling really angry or on the other hand, feeling euphoric.

Being honest, I have always thought that most people were feeling the same and because I always had a very hot temper, I just thought it was simply me. But the more I grew up, the more I understood that something different was going on. Not something wrong like many people would think because if I consider that bipolarity as something wrong, considering that I am bipolar, then I would have to consider that I am myself wrong. And that is absolutely out of question. I am perfect the way I am, because this is how life, how the universe wanted me to be so I can go through the things that I have to face in this life. Then so be it.

If I decided to start talking about it, telling my story bit by bit, it is because I want to show to the people who will be reading me, that if you are like me or if you have people around you like me, they we are simply souls that are facing struggles like you do.

I have doubts when taking some important decisions, I have fears when facing some challenges, I love as much as you do, I smile when I see something I like, I laugh when I see or hear something funny, I like doing and saying stupid things to make people around laugh, have a good time and forget about their own struggles…I want to develop amazing relationships with people from around the world. I cry when I am really sad, I am proud of myself when I accomplish things I didn’t know I would be capable to do. I do my best every single day to improve myself and do the things I know would help me to get a little bit better…You see, I am functioning the same way as many, many people in this world, the only thing that differs a bit is that everything I feel, is much more intense. The good like the bad.

It is not a bad thing at all, it is simply part of me or maybe let’s say that it is who I am. It is not defining who I am, I am the only one defining that but let’s say that that, “condition”, has an impact on my daily life and that I have to constantly implement little things on a daily basis to make sure that I don’t do crazy stupid things which would have a massive impact on the rest of my life. If I say that it’s because it has happened and today, I am paying the price of bad decisions I have taken in the past. It is what it is, I am not complaining but I have to live with it and if I can avoid replicating again and again the same things, then as Albert Einstein said, I would simply avoid craziness.

The thing is that my brain, or at least the way it seems to function, seems to amplify a lot of emotions and it pushes my mind to stop being rational. The funny part is that, to me, when I take those decisions, it seems like really great ideas but when I look at some of them from the future self that I am now, I wonder how I could have just contemplated them for a second.

Maybe I have a little clue about that. I fell into drugs at a very young age, 13 for the ones that didn’t know yet, and I clearly remember why I liked that. I was simply under one single emotions at once. I was high, usually in a very happy mood and that, I was able to handle. But when I am in those crazy bipolar times, several emotions can come up and mess with me. I am just so overwhelmed in one shot that I just don’t know which direction to take and follow. But when I was high, well, I am just high. It’s like it was making me feel normal. Pretty messed up, isn’t it? Feeling normal while being under the influence of heavy drugs, like was able to function normally and do my things. While when I am “normal”, I absolutely don’t feel “normal”. I feel like there are so much information to process and to deal with, like I am in a parallel world of my own. I am part of your world but living in another universe that does not show me the real things and that only me can understand.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I am too clever for the rest of the world and that no one can understand what I am living, but more like I don’t perceive information the same way. If I have to compare it to something everyone would understand, I would say like we are all watching a movie but I have different dialogues. So obviously, I don’t have the same story that most people enjoy. Without the same information, I can only take different decisions.

Few months ago, when I have been diagnosed bipolar, I have been given two choices. Seeing a specialist to get a treatment, that could take years to adapt and adjust to my own bipolarity and that will minimise my feelings and emotions. Making my bad times less bad but also would make my great time less great. Basically putting me in that grey zone in between. And the worst part is that because it can take a while before finding the right treatment, it can put me in very bad positions, mentally, for an extended period of time that I will have to handle. I think, what really scared me there was that I wouldn’t feel so happy when in my great time. I love my happy side. Who doesn’t? I am a very joyful person and that’s the self I most want to keep showing to the world.

So the second option was and still is to learn how to manage and moderate my emotions by myself. Like everyone does you will tell me but don’t forget that I don’t feel the same than most people do. And when strong feelings take over, most of us lose control and start doing crazy things so I have to consider that for my brain, that phenomenon is multiplied by X. This quote can’t seem to be really attributed to someone but here it is: “If you can master yourself, you can master everything”. It sounds very simple and almost cheesy but I believe it is one of the best things everyone should follow and consider at all times. It goes hand in hand with “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you” – Brian Tracy. So if I can master that “condition” of mine, I will surely be able to face anything that comes my way in life.

Entry #1 – 20.08.2022

Today is Saturday, I have my weekend off and I really want to enjoy it properly. It’s been about 2 months and a half that I am living in that new country, started that new job, stepped into my new life. I have been full of doubts but I knew it would be that way. Before coming here, I spent 3 months back at my parents’ where I have seriously worked on myself and built some strong habits and discipline. I came here with all that new mind-set but I realised that I already gave up on some of those good habits, in just a matter of weeks. Not all of them of course but being back into life pushed me to be back into some of my old habits and I started to really enjoy my free time by going out, seeing my friends, having some real fun since I didn’t have much when I disappeared for those few months. And this week, I really didn’t feel well. I was facing a dark mental moment, again, and it’s been a real struggle to see the light.

I know that my bipolarity condition is increasing all those dark thoughts. Not creating them but surely amplifying them. That’s why I felt like I should be having a “normal” weekend. That’s how I said it to some of my friends. Doing things “normal” people does. You know, doing some exercises, having a little brunch, going to the beach, having a drink and going back home to have some proper sleep, doing the things I didn’t have time to do during the week, etc. That’s what I need now.

I have really been struggling those last weeks. One day I have that strong feeling I am doing what I should be doing and being at the very place I should be at and the next day, I feel like I am totally lost and that I should be giving it all up. It’s like I am lying to myself again just because I know I have to keep on grinding, being that strong self.

I won’t hide it, those suicidal thoughts are coming back and forth. I don’t listen to them as much as I used to of course, because I still did a great inner work but I can’t lie that they are still around. I believe that doing like they are non-existent is really dangerous because one day, when I will feel really down, I might be listening to them much stronger and that could become a real problem. While if I welcome them as part of my thoughts and don’t try to cover them but instead, try to understand them and do the things that will make them disappear bit by bit, I will be much stronger when that very dark and bad day will come around. I will certainly avoid doing something “stupid”.

I am lost. Should I keep on grinding because giving up is the only way we fail or should I realise that I am simply not doing the things I really love so I should change life again? That is a question I have been wondering for a while now. It’s like I am stuck into the limbos. That grey area between the real and the fake. Between reality and illusion. Between living and dying.

Entry #2 – 24.08.2022

Few days have passed since my first entry and I am already feeling different. I was about to write “weird enough but things have already changed in my mind” but no, nothing odd here, just my condition playing with me again.

I had another quite intense weekend with a big outdoor day and ended up being so tired on Sunday that I didn’t went to that date I really wanted to have and simply remained in bed. Usually I would have felt really bad on Monday because I didn’t make the best out of my free time but strangely, I felt much different. I was just ready for a new week where I would come change several things that didn’t serve me anymore. I sent a few vocal messages to few friends, telling them that I will take a bit of distance with the group to avoid going out late as we have been used to those last 2 months, that I want to start doing more activities like “normal people does”. That can sound weird, but I realised that I have been more lenient with some of the great habits I have implemented a few months ago that were really doing great to me and I need and want to be back to a more “normal” routine. Maybe normal isn’t the word I should be using here. Let’s go for a more “powerful” routine.

I am still as lost as I was a few days ago, but it’s a different kind of lost. As I described it above, I just didn’t know what to do, what direction to take but this weekend, I have been listening to Dr. Jordan Peterson again and he told a story I’ve already heard about from him, but that time I could really relate to it and it quite put a new idea into my mind. Some sort of self-inception.

It’s the story of a man he meets in a restaurant I believe, someone who graduated from university with a Master or PhD degree and ended up working as a waiter in that restaurant. Nothing bad with that, but the man explains that he was feeling bad for not being using his educational degree to have a better situation which put him in a very bad place mentally until he realises, he could simply give his best into his current job and become as good as he could be. No matter what job it is. And surprisingly, after only 3 months, that man got promoted several times and he started to enjoy more and more what he was doing. This obviously puts him in a much better place in his head which create a virtuous cycle. The better he feels, the better he can produce and the better he produces, the better he feels in his mind.

It really hit me. Even if I far from what I desire, I can simply apply the same thing to my current situation and see what happens. Either it does not go the same way and I would still be happy, content and proud for giving it my best or either things will get much better and I would have change my situation myself. And at that moment, I will even prouder for doing that thing.

To give you a little overview of my current job, I am managing content moderator agents and most of my job is to keep them motivated while they are doing a really repetitive task and fix all kind of issues they are encountering so every day is a challenge and each day is really different. There is no real peace or 0 day. What I mean by that is that it is really highly dynamic and I just can’t expect to have some relaxed days where I can do my job in my corner, I really have to be on top of everything at all time.

Entry #3 – 01.09.2022

Lately, I have been pushing again. Getting back to a better routine, creating a better discipline for myself so I can keep on facing the challenging coming up to me and I believe I am doing pretty well. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am still afraid and very concerned about the future but because I am taking more steps forwards with confidence, I start to have the feeling that I am currently the creator of my own path, the creator of my own luck.

As I explained several times in different posts and other little “essays”, a bit more than 6 months ago, I have decided to stop dating, flirting, having sex among other things but about 4 weeks ago, I thought that I could get back, in the game. Not especially feeling like I am ready because I don’t think we are never truly ready for anything, there is always more we can do to be more prepared. But how can I know if I am ready if I never face the very thing I have been preparing myself for? So, here I am, back on Tinder (yeah I know, maybe not the best resource to use but it really helps to create contacts and it is an easy way to start dating again). And I have met someone. Nothing big, yet, but we have matched a few weeks ago and we have talked quite a lot. After several failed attempts, we finally met last Friday, just for a quick drink and we ended up talking non-stop about very, very deep subjects for more than 2 hours while my friends were waiting for me to join a party. Universe, meaning of life, theories about the afterlife, shared about some of our darkest times, energies, soul, etc. Maybe not your cup of tea, but definitely something we both love to talk and learn about.

Even if the conversation was deep, it was somehow very light and easy. We wanted to get that third drink and keep on chatting but I also gave my words that I would be joining my friends. I would have been okay to cancel and spend the evening with her but I also wanted to show her that when I have plans, I do what I say.

Anyway, we had some lovely exchange since then and it seems that we both like each other and would love to see what this is hiding, what life has in store for us. I am quite euphoric about it but also very scared. I have been waiting for something like that to present itself to me but I can’t help than thinking it will be a very Important challenge. You know, getting to know each other, in a genuine and honest manner which means I can’t be playing a role so I look like the whole package. Because at some point, she will see through me so I believe it is much better to be transparent from the very beginning. Showing my best side but also my flaws. And as funny as it might appear, I feel like one of my flaws now is sex. I have had sex only 3 times during the last 7-8 months and I feel like I forgot everything I knew. I feel like I am not a good lover anymore, if I ever was because do we truly know if we are? I believe I was, never received any complaints but I also know that people prefers to be polite rather than saying to your face “oh man, that was just so bad and boring”. Anyway, that became one of my concerns. I really want to give everything she is looking for and yes, I really want her to deeply enjoy sex with me. You are probably thinking “yeah okay but who does not want her/his partner to enjoy sex with?”. I don’t just want her to enjoy sex, I want her to feel that this is something different with me. Something where she could let herself go. Something where she feels totally secure to be 100% herself and more, where she feels loved, connected, boosted in a way where she is ready to explore the deepest part of herself she never had the guts to discover or even express to anyone else.

Today, and as matter of fact, in just few minutes, I am going to leave to join her at the beach for our second dates. I am super happy to see her but also quite anxious. Not much, just enough to push me so I don’t screw everything up.

Still not feeling super comfortable showing my body. I have been working on it like crazy for the past 12-18 months but being mostly a vegan, I believe my current shape does not really reflect my efforts and I think I see myself wrong. Being a chubby/fat kid since I can remember, maybe my vision is corrupted and I can only see the imperfections. Anyway, this is another challenge I am facing so I will have to act like I am super confident. As they say “fake it until you make it”.

Entry #4 – 09.09.2022

A new day, new challenges. Work is getting more intense. I am still questioning myself on if it is something I see myself doing for some time. I am working in a highly dynamic environment which causes a lot of stress and being bipolar, both are usually not getting along. When I consulted a psychologist a few months ago, we discussed that I should be more into a stable work environment so it does not impact much my mood which would avoid me being subject to intense feelings and emotions. But I also wonder, how could I learn how to fight back against my “condition” and have a total control over it if I don’t face those emotions that made me feel really bad all my life?

I was discussing that with a friend last Sunday. We have been facing the same kind of challenges for the past year or two and we really bonded over that. We were talking about the Face the Struggle to get Stronger Vs. It’s Time to Give Up and move forwards. When do we realise we are on the right path and we should simply keep pushing until we start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or should we just give up on that specific thing because we feel that the current challenge is simply not ours?

I have written a blog post about that recently and will probably be publishing it some days.

Entry #4 – 14.10.2022

I haven’t been writing here for a bit more than a month. Lots of things happened. Not like everything changed completely but mainly one thing happened that changed everything else.

As I already mentioned in previous entries, I met someone about a month and a half ago. Not just a someone, The someone. Okay, knowing that I am bipolar, you might be thinking that this is just my euphoria taking over and making me going too fast and being hasty, I just can’t really explain what is happening between each other. It is really like we both had somehow a very similar path, while having a very different life. I don’t know if I am being very clear here. What I mean is that we both have been through some experiences that hit us hard, that changed us to our core and we both chose to act accordingly so we can work on creating the best version of ourselves. Oh don’t get me wrong, we are far from where we want to go and being honest, she is a lot further than where I am at, so far ahead that sometimes I am wondering if I can even perceive her but I also understand that our paths are different. I simply cannot compare or I will never be able to focus on my own path. We are all different.

Anyway, I just keep telling myself that I don’t and can’t screw this up.

It is really like we have been together for a very, very long time. And I don’t mean in this life but really for several passed lives.

I can tell her with ease so many things that I can barely admit to myself. I simply can’t explain. Do you?

Oh man, I can’t screw this up. I know that I am not a stable person. I know it. This is who I am but does this mean I will never be? Does this mean I will never be capable of having something great I can really keep? I know that nothing is consistent in life. Things and people come and go and I think that’s one of the hardest stuff we have to comprehend and face here on hearth but come on, can’t we just have a little that we can keep for ourselves?

Entry #5 – 12.01.2023

It’s been a while since I wrote here. Now that I read my words from the beginning I realise that I have been saying that a lot.

I have been writing about other stuff, not so much, you know life getting in the middle on the way but tonight, I felt like I should put my thoughts into words.

I am now into my fifth month with my partner. She went to work in another country for almost a month and came back today. I have been worried, wondering, overthinking for the last 25 days and finally, I realise now that, that everything is, perfectly great. I am not saying that I am floating on a cloud, come on guys, it is a relationship so by definition, it will be hard, full of effort, deep work and compromises. What I mean is that, it is happening and my weird thoughts are just, well, thoughts.

At this very moment, I am just so grateful to have the privilege to be in my shoes, I don’t even find the words to express. I am looking at her across the room, and what can I say since I don’t have the word to express myself? She is something else. Not to anyone or everyone, but to me.

I am not saying anything new here. Love is a matter of connection but also a lot of right thinking. We have to find a balance between being and developing ourselves as an individual and meeting each other in the middle to create a beautiful partnership. At least, that’s how I see it. And I know for a fact that she thinks the same. How beautiful.

I used to think that a romantic relationship should be the merge of two people functioning together as one. Yes, this can work but we are forgetting one very essential aspect: the individual.

We shouldn’t forget that we are living our own life. I understand that we get into a serious and long-lasting relationship, we want to do everything together. Spend as much time with each other, share everything or at least, the most of it. But in the long run, we are losing our identity that way. The very essence of who we are. We were very unique individuals before meeting that special someone and I strongly believe that we should not lose that vision of ourselves when committing to any kind of relationships. When we think for a minute about it, all we want is the best version of each other and for that to happen, we must put ourselves as a priority. This does not mean, forgetting our partner, far from that. The relationship is still in our main scope. We could see that as an organisation. The main goal of everyone involved is the success of the structure but this one will thrive only if each individual is focus on giving the best out of themselves.

Furthermore, when we meet, we are attracted to that person who didn’t know the other one before, so we have to keep on developing each other individually to make sure we remain the person we are and not becoming the person our loved one wants from us.

Entry #6 – 29.01.2023

It’s been a few weeks I didn’t write; yep I said it again 🙂

I can’t say I have been very assiduous with my journal. I have a lot of things in mind, especially lately and I am trying to give time to all the things I know I must do but I started to understand that I simply can’t do everything at once so I began to prioritise and let say that this journal is not on top of the list. I also know that writing really helps me in many levels, so, trying my friend.

First, that is something I enjoying doing. I don’t know how to explain but I feel like I am giving 100% of this time to myself. I have been going through some dark times within me and I am now reinventing myself. For too long, I was mostly existing for others, because I wanted to look cool, to be accepted in the group, being part of the community so I have created that self that could fit in. By playing that role, I started to become that character without realising I was not myself at all. So now, I want to give more time to myself and I feel that some activities I can do by myself and for myself is a great way to achieve that.

Second, I am practicing to be in the flow. I have read a book not long ago, about the Ikigai and the objective of it is having an activity and being completely absorbed in it to reach the state of flow. I believe in the western world we call that being in the zone. It’s when you totally forget about the outside and by that I mean everything outside of yourself and what you are doing. Your mind is 100% focused and dedicated to your activity. You forget about time, about eating, about people or any other kind of distractions. All that matters, is the single activity you are doing. It is something really amazing for the mind, its health and development and I really want to develop it as much as I can.

Third, writing helps to get my thoughts out of my mind. I can actually watch my thoughts on paper, analyse them and reflect on them. This is an amazing practice to evolve.

Anyway, lately, I have been going through some massive change within. I started a healing journey about things, traumas that I didn’t even knew I had but that started to come up.

Entry #7 – 30.01.2023

Trying to write a little bit everyday so I report and save my thoughts, feelings and experiences while they are still fresh. I believe it can help me better understand how I function and how I can improve myself.

Today is Monday, another week in that job I don’t like because I am working on totally different shifts every single week and it is really difficult to have a proper routine. Not the best option for my condition. I feel very unbalanced. But I decided to take a risk and resigned last week so I can fully focus on my side hustle. My last working day is in about 30 days.

I can’t hide that it is obviously scary but also very exciting. I am finally taking that leap of faith. Faith in myself, faith in life and the universe, faith in believing that this is my path. I am really happy to see all the way I have already walked that led me where I am now. For too long, I have downgraded myself, thinking that I was not worth trying; But now, now, I simply can’t remain where I am. I am telling myself that that’s enough. I am enough and I will go for it. I simply don’t have any other choice because I have dreams but dreams without plans and actions, are just dreams. I want to see them coming true, being materialised into my reality. I am saying my reality because I believe each and every one of us has his own reality.

Anyway, Let’s keep it simple, short and straight to the point.

Bye me and talk to myself very soon. Love you man.

Entry #8 – 02.02.2023

Today, I am enjoying some time outside with my partner. Going to meet her cousin and his family in Cascais. I’m really happy to meet the first person from her family.

Won’t hide that I feel a bit of pressure. You know, that desire to look like an interesting person. But I guess what I want the most is to simply be myself and stop wondering how I should behave so that others like me.

I know, to some extent, we all do that and I guess it’s totally fine, it is a way to protect ourselves but I really feel I have done that way too much in the passes decade. Now, I am really deeply working on letting my true self out, whatever others think.

Something that I am understanding is that, by being that character we create, the people around us like a fake version of us. The self we only allow them to see. So, this means that we are surrounded by people not meant for us. While when we let our real self out and shine, we might get much less people around, but the ones that stick and the ones we attract then, are the ones really meant for us.

The process might take some time, being lonely and lost might also be part of it, but the reward is definitely worth it.

I am just tired, exhausted from being careful of how others perceive me.

Entry #9 – 06.02.2023

I am currently at a crossroad.

I have resigned from my current job because I felt it is really slowing me down from properly working on my side hustle and I needed to take a risk and about this side hustle, I have no idea if it will work and where it will take me but I really felt I had to take an important decision.

I have learnt that if I want to change my life, I must take new decisions that will really change it. It can’t be small measures or only small things will change.

I am really at a crossroad in my life.

I have taken a scary decision by quitting my job that was giving me the opportunity to have a salary and make a living. Paying my bills, living the life I currently have but when thinking about it, I am not satisfied with it. I am happy I am not where I used to be but I am so far from where I really want to be.

So, an important decision has to be made.

I am also very scared about that new project, that new company. A lot of barriers are popping up one by one and I know that to be a great entrepreneur, my main job is to find solutions to those problems. It is really exciting and scary all at once.

I am at that crossroad where I am full of doubts but also seeing myself succeeding. So my thoughts are all over the place, going in every direction. Like being a kid in a candy store. Just not able to focus on one thing. It is getting better though. I am getting better. Because I keep reminding myself that I should take one step at a time. The important thing is to keep moving forward.

So, my dear self, keep moving forward. I believe in you. More and more every day. You already have everything you will ever need. Just keep looking within because this is where you will find all your answers.

Entry #10 – 08.02.2023

When I am reading what I have already wrote about my bipolarity, I feel like I digress a lot and not really talk about the condition itself.

Now that I am writing that line, I am also telling myself that most of my thoughts and feelings are related to my condition so why not.

I have a lot of ups and downs, especially that now I know where they come from. I feel like I notice them more and more. Before being diagnosed, I just thought it was part of my character, my mood, simply me. Well, it is still me, but now that it became real, I feel like it can really take over me. But, on the other hand, I also feel like having identified the source, I can give more power to myself and be more in control instead of just saying that I am like that and nothing can be done about it.

A few days ago, I wrote about being at a crossroad in my life. I am indeed and this is creating a lot of mixed emotions and feelings. “Am I really taking the right decision by quitting my job and going after my dreams by creating that business or is it again another radical decision induced by my condition?”

When looking back at my life and the things I have done, I know that I have taken some very, very radical, primitive life-changing decisions that really looked like giving up. Just thinking about it, I feel the sadness taking over and the tears coming up. I have troubles realising if those are healing tears for forgiving myself or if I can still feel the pain of all my mistakes.

I know I am human and I have to experience that life with all the feelings and emotions the human body and mind can generate and feel so I am not feeling sh** about it, I guess I am still confused.

I really do my best to forgive all my old selves. Going back in time in my mind, talking to my younger selves and telling them that they are loved, they just didn’t know better and that my current self will do his best so we don’t feel abandoned, excluded, unloved because the only person that really matters, is me. I can give to myself all the love and gratitude I deserve without the approval of others. I am my longest relationship in this life and my only saviour. No one can do what I am doing because this is my story, my book, my movies.

Does the pain ever stop?

I don’t know the answer to that question but what I start to understand is that it can be softened by taking action, moving forward and building a real strong discipline. And that’s where my pain finds one of its primary sources.

Stay strong, you will get there. I know you will because I fu**ing believe in you. No one else will believe in you as much as I do. Please, don’t give up. You have already made so much for yourself, you just don’t know how close you are to your freedom.

Entry #11 – 09.02.2023

Today, I feel better. Let’s say that it is a day with less struggles. Well, for now, the day is still young.

I keep pushing myself at every moment. To keep doing the things that I know makes me feel empowered like going to the gym, cooking some delicious and healthy meals, I guess today it will rice, a mix of vegetables and some salmon in the air fryer. Drinking tea and macha, added the latest a few months ago and I really like it. Makes me pee a lot but I guess that’s a good thing. My body is filtering.

Trying to meditate once a day but some days are harder than others. I am also working on developing my faith. Faith in god, faith in life, faith in the universe and their great plan for all of us. I have never been really into it, you know thinking that I have all the answers but now, I am grateful for my life, everything that has happened to me and for everything that is and will happen.

I have to admit that this is not always easy. My change of mood and my constant overthinking really does not help but I feel that by practicing gratitude and faith, I am more centred within myself. Is this just an illusion, a self-persuasion or really the work of god on me, I can’t say but the magic seems to happen.

Sometimes, I feel some strong euphoria coming up. Invading my whole body, with that fire in the chest. I am feeling super excited and it makes me feel quite dizzy so I am trying to control that as much as I can. Not trying to suppress at all. It is a feeling and whatever emotion it is; it is neither bad or good. It just is. I believe my job is to understand it, let it be but not letting take over me.

This is when I have those euphoric and very down moments that I take to crazy decisions so when they are happening, I should remind myself that they are there and do my best to ground myself.

Grounding oneself is a technique to reduce stress and improve emotional regulation by connecting with the present moment and your physical senses. Here are some ways to ground yourself:

1. Focus on your breathing: Take deep breaths, counting to five as you inhale and counting to five as you exhale.
2. Pay attention to your body: Notice the sensations in your body, such as the sensation of your feet on the ground or the feeling of clothes on your skin.
3. Connect with nature: Go for a walk outside, focus on the sensations of nature such as the sensation of grass on your feet, the sound of birds, or the feeling of the sun on your skin.
4. Engage your senses: Focus on what you can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell. Try to identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
5. Practice mindfulness: Focus on the present moment and observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

I have to remember, grounding is a skill that takes practice, so be patient and persistent. Try different techniques and see what works best for you.

Now, what is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. It involves paying attention to your thoughts and sensations without judgment, which can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being.

Mindfulness has its roots in Buddhist meditation practices and has been adapted for use in modern psychology and healthcare. There is a growing body of evidence that suggests that mindfulness can be helpful for a variety of physical and mental health conditions, such as reducing anxiety and depression, managing chronic pain, improving sleep, and enhancing overall quality of life.

Mindfulness practices can include various forms of meditation, such as sitting meditation, walking meditation, and body scan meditation, as well as simple activities like paying attention to your breathing or eating mindfully. The goal of mindfulness is to cultivate a non-judgmental, present-centered awareness, which can help individuals develop greater insight into their thoughts and emotions, leading to a greater sense of peace and well-being.

I believe, those are great, no, amazing tools at my disposal to better manage my condition.