You are in control

The devil comes when you least expect it.

I wanted to talk about that subject for some time as it is directly linked to a very important aspect of addiction but I didn’t know how to explicitly summarise it and few days ago, Will Smith said that sentence coming from Denzel Washington after he slapped Chris Rock during that ceremony. He said: “When you are at your highest moments, be careful, this is when the Devil comes for you”.

He just couldn’t be more right and makes me really think about the craving. I tried to stop doing Cocaine so many times that I can’t possibly count them and I clearly remember that every time I was feeling stronger, I was simply getting back to it. Why? Because I felt I was at my highest moments. I thought I was strong again that I could allow myself some liberty. I stopped being careful for a minute.

Obviously I wasn’t at my highest, but because I was just sniffing and sniffing for weeks or even months, and when stopping for few days or even a week or two, things started to get better and this is when I let that that little space, that little room for the Devil to come and get me again.

It is very hard to explain but I think people reading me, who has or had a strong addiction to something holding them back, knows exactly what I am talking about.

It is like we are rewarding ourselves for doing good for some time but we are allowing ourselves the very wrong reward.

We have to keep in our minds at all time that our demons will always try to make themselves a way back into our life, at any time, now, in few months or even in decades’ time. If one day we had an addiction, it will always be there in us and the fight will keep on going for the rest of our lives.

So, what I want to say is, we just can’t allow ourselves any second of respite, if we let our demons just one little hope of coming back, it will take advantage of that weakness and slip back into our lives.

I used to think, after a few months of break from Cocaine, I could allow myself one big party to relax and celebrate my success. Oh boy, I was just so wrong. And thinking about it, I know it was just another excuse for me to consume some. Just no! I know I can’t anymore and you know it as well.

You have to rewire your mind-set to understand that this is simply not possible anymore.

I was a junky, and believe me, I didn’t want to be called that way for a very very long time, but it is what it is. I was a junky and I will always be so now I know who and what I am, at least a part of me, because this is not defining who I am, I can act on it. Create my new life based on the things I know about myself.

I think this is the hardest work we have to do about ourselves. Understand who we are and admit it to ourselves, even if what we see and discover isn’t make us happy, at all. Do you think I am happy to call myself a junky? Of course not, whereas it seems that I have been doing everything I could to be one. 19 years of doing drugs, every single time I could, taking huge amount of everything, to reach to top of…of what I don’t know but surely I wanted to reach the top.

You have to remind yourself, at all time, where you are coming from and where you could go back if you let any room to the Devil.

This is exactly what I did during my last craving. I had a massive argument with my dad few days ago and he’s not talking to me anymore. And I felt that feeling inside me, telling me “you know, you could just call your dealer and have some fun, you could numb yourself from feeling shit because you always take everything in”. I have considered it for a minute and then I reminded myself the way I am and look under the influence. I know I hate that guy so I just went to do something that makes me feel good and relaxed.

Usually it’s sport or a long walk with some good music or a motivational speech but it was Sunday afternoon, already did my run and workout so I simply decided to go watch a good movie, like comfort food but that time a comfort film, and at the end of the movie I wasn’t even thinking about it at all. I realised only the next day that I made it. I fucking made it my friends. Now I definitely know I can do it. I used to push it away before, but that time I was very upset because having such an argument with my dad, I as feeling really shit of being harsh to him even though I was expressing feelings to him, that he simply didn’t understand. I really wanted to sniff some snow, and for the very first time in months, I was able to resist the strongest craving I have ever had since I stopped. And how good it was to realise I had the strengths in me to do it. I am now stronger than I ever was.

Maybe all that I was just a test from the universe and I passed.

Things are still hard with my dad as he is still not talking to me, but now, it won’t influence me to go back to my shit.

Congratulation…well, me 😀

My demons are not controlling me anymoooooooore! I am the warrior I have aspired to be those last years.

I made it. So can you!

This is brought to you by kindness, altruism, love and caring.

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