holistikissim

You are in control

One of my passions saved my life…

So, how can I start this article… Well, I guess with the simple truth.

I was in a very bad shape while always being a sporty person almost my life because of my addictions. I have always been practicing sport since a very young age, and I have always loved being challenged with competitions, game matches, tournaments, etc. But as lots of us, life started to get in the middle of it and step by step I have simply chosen to spend more times with my friends, having fun and watching stuff in my sofa instead of being consistent.

I have always been shown that sport during adulthood was only for athletes, for the ones who have a real talent and will make a living out of it. So I focused more on my studies and my future career.

I have always been a chubby person. I was the fat kid at school then I grew up fast so was less fat but still the chubby one with man-boobs. Always been hard to take my shirt off at the pool or at the beach. Most of my friends around me were skinny or the “normal” type. I compensated with my personality, being outgoing, the fun or crazy one who never missed an occasion to do something funny or even stupid.

The time passed and one I got into the real world, the working world after my studies, I just focused on my business, night and day, with the very big help of Cocaine.

At that time, I was with someone for already 5-6 years and because she already knew what Cocaine was and that I had an attraction for it, she knew I couldn’t eat while under the influence. I as supposed to lose weight. So, as a twisted person that didn’t want to give up on my demons, I developed a system to trick her.

I used to order food on Deliveroo or Uber eats, mostly junk food, to force myself to eat everything and go back to my sh**. And I have done that for years and years. Not only I was spending a huge amount of money on drugs, but also on shi**y food just to prove I wasn’t using anything. And I thought I was clever doing so.

What did I gain from it? Lost my life partner and the next one who was the most beautiful person I have ever met. Not only physically but also the most beautiful soul I could have ever imagine. Oh yes, I also gained 30 kilos in the process. Yep, went from about 80kgs up to 109!! I was so disgusted by my look that I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. How can you get to a point that looking at your reflection just makes you sick? How can you start loving yourself when you have to avoid any reflects of yourself?

Honestly, I didn’t even know I was that fat. I couldn’t even fit in my clothes but I thought it was because they shrank due to the drying machine. See how paranoid I was! Until…I went to my parents’ in France for a small holiday, went on the scale and saw 108.9kgs!!! I was just shocked but weirdly it made me laugh. Even with the evidences that my actions were killing me step by step, I just couldn’t accept it was because of me.

I have met some friends days later from Business school and when I arrived at their tables, my very good friend told me “shit man, what happened? You’re bigger than I am now”. Does not sound like much but this guy was a rugby player and has always been like 10 to 15kgs heavier than me, now it was the other way around.

Went skiing few weeks later and I couldn’t even go down one blue slope. I arrived at the bottom and I just couldn’t keep on skiing while I used to join my family every year since a young age. Snowboarding all day long. Getting up at 6am to make the most out of each day and that day I couldn’t even ski for more than 20mins. I was watching my niece, 10 years old, just going like crazy and just smoked me. That’s when it just hit me. “Man, I love you, but right now you are letting your life slipping out of your hands and if you keep going, you will never be able to enjoy the life as you like. Fu***ng do something”. It hurt my body, it hurt my ego and hurt my soul. Just NO MORE.

I decided to abandon my life I had in London, where I knew I couldn’t resist to call my dealer. I needed to cut out the environment I created for myself.

Went back to France, in my hometown and I made a plan for myself. Sport was the main part of it but I also thought about the good things I used to like that would help my fight. I made a self-tailored plan.

I kept on questioning myself to profoundly understand every single step that I should be doing to stop going the wrong way.

I knew I just couldn’t do everything at once. We all tried to go like crazy at the gym or running or eating super healthy and after few weeks or months we would just go back to normal because we have been changing our routine so drastically that it wasn’t sustainable.

So first, adding exercises. I knew I was such in bad shape that the first thing that came to mind was going for a morning walk.

  • First step: getting up at 6am, having a simple tea and going for an hour walk. So easy to do and I love walking. I was going in the forest to be in nature and alone. I kept on walking faster and faster day after day and the walks I used to do for an hour was just 50min, then 40min and then 30min. So I decided to take longer paths and kept on walking faster until the day I started to run a little. And a little more and again a little more. I hated running and still do but after each little run, I was feeling so good and started to feel proud of myself for being consistent and pushing myself.
  • Second step: after few weeks of going for morning walks, I told myself I need to push myself a little more and doing bodybuilding was the easiest thing I found. I had old equipment in parents’ garage when I was a student and left it there when I moved to London. Jackpot! Didn’t even need to sign-up to a gym a feeling ashamed by my look in front of all the gym rats. I know, stupid thoughts, but I was so not confident that working in silence was the best option. Imagine, I didn’t have to compare myself with others, being scared of being recorded because I do stupid exercises or because I sweat like a big. It just made feel good working alone and I think that’s the best way to start.
  • I started working out few days a week for like 30mins. It was already enough. I only had one bench press, two dumbbells and some weights. I was like “anyway, I can’t do much with those”. Oh, how wrong I was. And how did I found out? Super easy…went on Pinterest and just searched for all dumbbells and barbells exercises and here were the answers. I was just able to work out my full body with the few stuff I had. No need to buy more. Put my shoes on, my short on and my shirt and here we go. I realised once again, I was just blocking my vision because of stupid things I thought. I just needed to see it from a different perspective and internet is just full of tips to help us do that.
  • And I started to work out, working out as hard as I could. 3 times a week, 4 times a week, 5 and 6 and some weeks it was every single day. I knew changing my body was the first step to start feeling better in my mind and the bonus…the bonus was that it kept my mind busy and bot thinking about drugs and the miserable life I built for myself. Oh I knew it wouldn’t fix everything but it was a start. It was my first step to feeling better.
  • I replaced my addiction for cocaine and drugs with an addiction for sport and fitness but that time it was much healthier. I was building something and not destroying. I can’t even explain the feeling I felt and keep on feeling every single day. Oh don’t get me wrong, sometimes I didn’t and still don’t feel like exercising but I switched my motivation by discipline.
  • It’s now been a bit more than a year and a half since I started my program and I can’t even start to describe how my body changed. I am still a bit chubby, my man-boobs didn’t fully disappear and I still have some love handles but it is going the right direction. I went down to 79kgs so lost 30kgs and I am now back up to 85kgs with much more muscles and I know one day, with consistency and dedication, I will reach my goal.

I have to take into consideration that I have been destroying my body for 20 years so it is now only in like 18-20 months that I can turn everything around. I can’t get out of the darkness I creates for myself and find light as fast as I would like. Consistency, dedication and discipline are the keys to the life I want for myself.

This is how sport literally saved my life.

Check out my other posts where I talk about the many different things I have added to my life to keep on fighting, self-growing and improving my life.

This is brought to you with kindness, altruism, love and caring.

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